To the Greatest Man I've Ever Known and Never Deserved
Recently I came across a journal that I’ve kept since I was a teenager. I always write about significant events in it, and my thoughts and feelings at that point in my life. Because, it’s December (and I’ll explain the relevance of December throughout this story), I pulled out my old ratty journal and happened to flip to a page that still weighs heavy on my heart; a story I think should be heard, because I was lucky enough to have a man who loved me beyond himself, without thought of what it gave him. I’ll start with my journal entry and explain the rest after. So, here goes…
Journal entry from December 30th, 2015,
“It has been so long since I’ve sat down to write a story about a monumental time in my life, but, I figure now is as good as ever. It is December 30th, 2015, 3:30am and I am wide awake. I was supposed to get married this month - that is, if everything had gone smoothly, I would be cuddled up with my husband right now, both smiling off that newlywed glow. But, instead, I am laying in bed, wide awake, while he snores next to me, and neither of us have rings on our fingers.
If someone had asked my sixteen year old self what my life would be like at 27, I certainly wouldn’t picture it like this. I would say I’d have a steady career, two kids, possibly pregnant with the third and most importantly, in a very happy marriage with a husband who adores me. But, as it turns out, life doesn’t always work out the way you picture it in your adolescent mind, in fact, it seems it rarely works out the way you want it to. It’s taken me 27 years, 1 month, 28 days and a naked left hand ring finger to finally realize it. He’s a good man, and he loves me. Oh lord, does he love me…”
So, let’s start from the beginning...
They say love comes when you least expect it. In my case, this is true. I was newly 23, he was almost 30. We worked in a fine dining restaurant, 6 days a week, each nearly 10 hour shifts (on a slow night). There was an undeniable attraction for each other right off the bat. After our grueling shifts, we would end up in a dark restaurant, alone, with the fireplace in the lobby still burning where we had hours of conversation into the early morning. We were complete opposites and that intrigued me.
I remember him saying, ‘I want to know everything about you...when your birthday is, what your childhood was like, what you do on your days off, what drink you order when you sit down at a restaurant…’ By no means was I planning on leaving the dating game at the tender age of 23 but for some reason, his endless inquiries about every detail of my being, created a fire inside my soul that burned brighter than that fireplace in the lobby.
Our relationship progressed fast. After a month, he told me he loved me while we were riding the elevator down to the wine cellar of the restaurant. The next night, by that burning fireplace, he told me he would marry me one day. He said, ‘If you marry me, you’ll be my number one priority for the rest of my life’. For the following three years, he proved that to be true.
Six months into our relationship, however, I got sick. Very sick. I was diagnosed with a chronic illness called ulcerative colitis- a disease that infects my colon. And yes, I said chronic, meaning there is no known cure.
As anyone who is diagnosed with a disease that will never leave their body, it took a toll on me and of course, him as well. For the first two years after the diagnoses, he was my rock and my at home nurse. He knew my medications inside and out and slept in very uncomfortable chairs next to my hospital bed during many frequent trips to the ER. He took care of me the best way he knew how and did everything he could to keep me staying positive. I was still swooned by him. Even more so now. On March 25th, 2014, exactly one year and six months to the day after we started dating, he asked me to be his wife. With no hesitation, I said yes.
As I stated above, for the first two years, he was my rock, but the third and final year of our relationship was brutal. Because of my illness, I sunk more and more into a depression, which by this time, was debilitating to almost every aspect of my life. We would argue over almost everything, mainly money, jobs and families. Being opposites wasn't so much fun anymore. We subsequently went from lovers, to eventually roommates who hardly spoke. At this point in time, I didn’t care about how much he loved me. Winning our battles with each other became more important to me as my love for him dwindled away. But, he relentlessly kept loving me, he kept fighting for us, which over time, became a sad and partnerless dance.
Mind you, I've never heard this man raise his voice at me but we had a routine when we would fight: we would argue, I would make him sleep on the couch, he would come crawling back in bed during the wee hours of the morning and would hold me. We would convince ourselves that everything would be fine, and everything would be; at least until our next argument.
Things came to a head in December, 2015. He was sleeping on the couch once again after an argument. I woke up in the middle of the night because our apartment was so cold. I wanted to cuddle him. His body heat used to be so comforting, like an old childhood blanket you wrap yourself up in when you go home for Christmas or like the heat of that lobby fireplace where we fell in love. Eventually he did crawl into bed with me that night and we held each other. But as I laid there, and wrote that entry in my journal as he laid asleep next to me, I realized we’d done this before; we’d cuddled before after a fight, especially when it was cold, promising each other we can make it through--lying to each other I should say, and tonight was no different. It was at that moment that I realized that the worst feeling in the world is having someone by your side and still feeling alone. So, I decided to trust my gut and let my feet follow. I moved out the next day.
I'm writing this now because it’s December, 2016, marking one year since I left. This month will forever remind me of him, our love for each other and that infamous burning fireplace. I still have thoughts that maybe I didn't try hard enough to make it work. But, as it goes, life moves on and so did I. I look at the world differently since being with him. I will never be as vulnerable to wear my heart on my sleeve as he is, but I’d say I might be a little softer now, a little sweeter and maybe more compassionate. He made me a better person and there is no denying that.
In the end, he was a good man and he still is. He always does the right thing, even when no one’s watching. My illness isn’t to blame for breaking us up, but was merely the tipping point. I learned the hard way that it takes more than love to make a relationship work. He’ll forever set the bar high for my future boyfriends, fiancé and possibly husband (if I ever marry). He’s happy now with someone else and I’m sure I’ll be a name she’ll hear in passing one day. And although that fireplace in the lobby eventually burned out for us, I yearn for the time where I will love someone so irrevocably, and so madly, just as he did with me.
10 qualities to know you’re with your soulmate.
- He/She is your best friend.
You two are two peas in a pod when it comes to outings and social gatherings. You can always make each other laugh and have fun no matter where you are!
- You can be yourself around them.
Whether it comes to having heart to hearts about your past or just acting silly in your sweats… you never have to put up a front or act any different than who you truly are.
- They make you feel calm.
In any situation, whether you feel uncomfortable or just on edge, they are always the one to keep you breathing steadily just by their presence.
- The sex is the best.
Need I say more?
- You undoubtedly trust each other. Period.
Trust is the BIGGEST factor in a healthy relationship. You have never felt the need to creep on their phone while they are in the shower or doubt your stance in the relationship. You are always on solid ground.
- Their pain is your pain.
When they are hurt emotionally or physically, your instincts to take care of them immediately kick in. All you want is to take away their pain away and even put the burden on yourself instead. Their happiness is your happiness and their pain is your pain.
- You’re not afraid to tell them what’s on your mind.
You have no problem communicating with each other about your feelings and talk about ways to strengthen your relationship even more.
- You NEVER have/nor ever will treat each other poorly.
Never. Ever. Period.
- You don’t mind compromising for each other.
Whether it’s about a big move across the country for jobs or something as simple as buying gluten free products for their diet...it doesn’t even phase you, because all you want is to go through life with them, no matter what you have to put up with or give up.
- You just know.
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